Just thought I would share this with the community...

January 4, 2009

Dear God,

Thank you for being present in my life in such a profound way and for protecting me in good times and bad. Without you I wouldn't be here today as a happy, safe and sober woman.

I now need to ask you to continue to handle things for me in a much deeper, sober and conscious way. At this point in my life I have learned that the only way I can truly live is to completely put everything in your hands.   You have been doing this all along for me, but I never specifically asked this of you in the past.  In fact I had a really hard time turning things over to you in the past—I thought I should be the one to handle life, to be the master of my own fate.  But by doing this I only made a huge mess of things and wasn’t living life in the way that now I understand it should be lived.  I didn’t understand the importance of putting things in your hands.  But now I realize that you are truly the one and only master, and that by me putting my will and life in your hands, you work through me to live a better life for myself and for others.

When I didn’t ask you to guide me, you were still there and kept me safe through so much destruction.  I turned my back on you and yet you still brought me to a place where I can finally clearly understand my behavior, and now I'm out of a dark state that was replete with denial, irritability, confusion and pain.  It really is a miracle how I survived all this and to be able to feel mentally and spiritually better now that I ever have.  To me, this is a sure sign that you are indeed present in my life.  I spit in your face time and time again, and you were the best friend and caretaker by sticking with me. 

When I was using, I felt empty because I knew you were there, but I wasn’t in touch with you, from my own doing.  That loss was the true bottom of my addiction—without you I really didn’t want to be alive any more.  It was a miracle that you led me to call out for help when I was at the precipice of losing everything.  You worked through me when I needed you mos.  And you have also helped me to stay on this bumpy ride of recovery, to keep going back when I didn’t have a strong enough footing in the program and thought that relapse was still an option.  After my last relapse, you worked through me to search out more of the program, to give me enough armor to want to have yet another 24 hours sober, to keep going back so that I can live a good life, a life in your light.

You showed me what it means to turn things over to you and have faith and patience in you when I so desperately needed to move out of the job situation that I made worse through my addiction, and which didn’t get better once I got sober.  Through that process I really came to understand that you do things on your own time, but that you really come through.  At the time I thought I would never get out of that situation and I kept on praying to you to relieve me of that horrible daily existence, and I learned that turning things over to you is not easy, but certainly is worth it. 

When I finally got my current new job, I knew you it was a gift from you.  I can’t thank you enough for giving this to me, a new chance to live soberly and to be respected as a sober woman in the workplace, and for this means of survival, especially when times are really tough.  The work itself is not about doing your work in a direct way on a daily basis, but it enables me to have you live through me in all aspects of my life, both inside and outside of work.   I also put in your hands that some day I will be able to have a daily job in which I can do your work more intensely, but for now, you have given me what I need.

I pray that you continue to help me remember to turn it over to you on a daily basis.  Most days I remember to pray to you in the morning and throughout the day to ask you to guide me and stay with me and work through me, for me to turn over situations and thoughts and myself to you.  But life is tricky and so is my disease.  It’s truly slick and it is the one thing that will take me away from you.  I pray that I continue to build on this foundation of sobriety and life with you and that I only get stronger and closer to you as time passes.  It’s the only way that I will be able to stay afloat and alive and with you when those times come in which this slick sickness starts to nestle into my being.  The more work I accomplish in the steps of this program, I believe that turning things over to you will become first nature, not second nature.  And I pray that through this process of turning it over, I continue to find serenity in my experiences with other people and with the world around me, and that I only put more goodness out into the world instead of pain. 

Honestly, I’m scared that I will lose this.  This all feels right to me and is honestly what I want, but I know how close I am at times to losing it all.  It’s only one drink away or one drug away and it’s all gone.  When I did work on the second step in the past, I learned one very important lesson---that when it comes down to it, when I’m faced with strong desire to use or drink, and I have all the tools of the program present in my life including going to meetings regularly, doing service, working with my sponsor, calling other people in program, friendships that are building, accountability to friends and family, love of the world and of myself finally, ETC., ETC., ETC., the ONLY thing that keeps me sober at the end of the day as a first and last resort is to pray to you to take that demon and desire out of my head.  I need to turn those thoughts and feelings over to you and then for you to work through me to put all the other tools of the program into effect—to keep going to meetings, to call out for help, etc.  It works every time, without fail, and I pray that that understanding will always stay with me and work in my life.

I’m so grateful for absolutely everything.  I see you everywhere every day.  I have previously written about how you have been present in my life, that you are omnipresent in all things big and small.  Thank you for giving me my life back.  Thank you for giving me the present to finally understand that turning things over to you is a key means of me being able to live the life you want me to live and to be truly happy and serene.  I now want to add saying the third step prayer to my daily routine and I pray that you help lead me back to this letter when I feel like I am losing touch with what it means to turn things over to you.  I love you God.

The Third Step Prayer

from page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!